Syd Allan: A Sack of Hammers www.jagular.com/hammers.shtml January, 2003

     I've been racking my brain lately trying to think of something that is dumber than a sack of hammers.

     You know the expression: As dumb as a sack of hammers. It's funny because it's true. After all, what could be dumber than a sack of hammers? And a sack of hammers is dumber and funnier than a bag of hammers, or a sack of screwdrivers, and it sure as hell is dumber and funnier than a box of hair. The guy who thought up that sack of hammers thing was pretty clever. But he has had his fifteen minutes of fame, and now I want mine.

     I used to think I would leave my mark on society with all the Beowulf stuff I've been doing. But that is turning out to be a lot of work. I want to become famous without having to go to a lot of trouble. So I have decided to drop Beowulf, and make up a new expression to replace as dumb as a sack of hammers.

     It really shouldn't be very difficult when you think about it. You figure out what is so dumb and funny about a sack of hammers, then you use that to think of some other funny dumb thing. The expression is of the form <a-funny-sounding-container> of <some-dumb-sounding-things>. So it should simply be a matter of thinking of some other hilarious container, and some other goofy objects.

     At first I thought about changing the form to as dumb as <a-silly-sounding-person> in <a-dumb-sounding-situation>, but I couldn't think of anything, so I gave that up after a few weeks.

     So, what are some types of containers? Boxes, baskets, buckets, barrels, bins, bags, cups, pots, pails, tanks, carloads, train-loads -- maybe even heaps or piles or stacks. What are some dumb-sounding objects? Fish-heads, finger-nail clippings, galoshes, blocks of wood, salt, sand, mud, nails, thimbles, Jello, porridge, turnips, potatoes (with mashed potatoes being much dumber than french fries or scalloped potatoes), sheetrock (or drywall, or whatever you want to call it), tires. I could think of one or two more if I spent a bit more time at it.

     As dumb as a bucket of fish-heads.

     As dumb as a carload of thimbles.

     As dumb as a pile of sheetrock.

     As dumb as a box of galoshes.

     Nope. None of them sound dumber than a sack of hammers. You might be thinking that a box of galoshes would be pretty dumb, but you actually do put galoshes in boxes sometimes. See what I mean? This isn't easy.

     The thing is that just the idea of assembling a whole bunch of hammers into one place seems pretty silly. What would someone want with forty or fifty hammers? And why would you put them all in a sack? Wouldn't they get all tangled up and be hard to take out again? Wouldn't it be more sensible to put them in a wooden box with a handle on it? Putting a bunch of hammers in a sack is a pretty dumb thing to do. And that is the secret of why this expression is so funny. It is multi-layered in its humor. Collecting a bunch of hammers is dumb. Putting them in a sack is dumb. Each individual hammers is pretty dumb (When is the last time a hammer ever figured out anything for itself? Never, that's when). When you get a bunch of dumb hammers all tangled up in a sack together you cannot really expect them to have any sort of collective intelligence, or to be able to work together to somehow increase their brain-power. There are indeed few things that are dumber than a sack of hammers.

     But I'm going to keep trying. I am hoping to come up with something within a few months. If it works out then I am going to think of something to replace better than a sharp stick in the eye, and perhaps a new one for how cold it is outside.

     After that I plan to work on some new jokes about priests and rabbis, and guys walking into bars. But I don't want to get ahead of myself. I haven't even licked this hammer thing yet.